Loving

     I have known many shades of love during my brief encounter


with men. I wonder at times about what has become of them.  Where


are they?  Who have they become?  Realizing that some of those


feelings were lust, or obsession isn't easy.  People need


security, and reminders of their desirability.  These are a few


of the reasons people get into relationships, have flings, and


one night stands.  


     I first started dating in middle school.  The boy lived in


the same apartments as my best friend.  I really fell for his


older brother, and by the time I started High School I was


interested in boys from an older crowd.  My heart had been broken


many times.  I though as a young girl that these guys were so


beautiful.  I wanted to know who they where and what they thought


about.  This was one thing I had been seeking from the start, but


learned quickly that they did not think in quite the same when.


     When I got older, so did the 'boys' I dated.  They got


better at creating the illusion of an intimate relationship.  I


though we were having deep meaningful conversations.  I knew who


they were and what made them tick.  I know now this was not true,


and sometimes wonder if I was really manipulated as I like to


think or if rather I allowed it to happen.


     Sometimes one person will find another person to love.  Yet,


being in love doesn't make two people compatible.  If your lucky,


once in a lifetime true love will cross your path, and maybe it


will work out.  Still, all of the men in our lives are important. 


The one who stuck around for a few minutes to buy you a drink and


to give you a compliment.  And the man you thought you knew,


thought you could love, but later found that you never really


knew him at all.  Every moment of our life shapes us.  The


moments of action, and the moments we spend looking back.  


     What is love?  A question pondered by many.  People love


their parents, children, friends, and themselves.  Does love die?


Does love fade away?  Does it ever end?  Many times I have felt


as if I were in love, truly in love.  Sometimes we love people


who do not love us back. Maybe they do not know how to love. 


Other times we may not really be feeling love.  Love can blind,


but so does desire, infatuation, and obsession.  


     I have been immersed many times into this pool of emotion


and confusion.  When one is surrounded with these mixing thoughts


they may only listen to the senses and feelings they want to


hear.  I refused to take advise from anyone.  I only saw truth is


the realities i wanted to except.  But, later when I moved on I


could look back and really evaluate what feelings I had.  We


learn if those feelings stay with us.  Many times we love because


we need to love, even when no one loves us back.  And still we


can be blind, not wanting those who may love us.  


     Do you remember the first person you've ever kissed?  Do you


remember their name?  Do you think that overall he was an


important part of you life?  I do, because that first kiss shapes


every other kiss we give and receive, from that moment on.  It


determines if we are secure with ourselves and exposes our fears. 


When we were teenagers in high school, it seemed so important to


have a 'boyfriend'.  A person to care for or worry about. 


Someone to call our own.  Gossip about whose cheating on who, or


even someone to give our love.  Why was it so important?  


     I think for me it was the illusion of 'being involved',


having a boyfriend made one feel as if others envied me.  It


added to your self confidence and always gave you something to


gossip about.  You always knew you had a date and didn't need to


worry about impressing everyone anymore.  Just being able to say


"I have a boyfriend," made everything seem brighter.  Even if you


still spent a lot of time alone or never saw each other.


     Was the human beast made to be alone, or do we all need


companionship for our very survival?  Looking around I see family


and friends who were once in marriages of convenience or safety. 


People who begin relationships merely to 'not be alone'.  Why is


it that many of us spend so much time alone, even if we are in


relationships?  Is just knowing that we are part of an intimate


relationship enough for us to get by? Is that what gives us all


our confidence and security? 


     Can you see yourself in twenty years?  Are you happy and


content?  Watch yourself take a glance into the past.  What will


be your regrets?  Who will you remember?  Who will matter to you? 


I've been in a relationship where my whole life, every living


breathing thought, seemed to revolve around that other person. I


was completely consumed.  It was so important to always know


where he was or what he was doing.  I would do anything to make


him happy, and put up with anything he did.  If he was unfair or


lied I would forgive him.  He was my world and I made sure I did


all I could for him.  Now a few years later the memories of that


person rarely cross my mind. 


     Sometimes the people we meet, that don't seem to be so


important at the time have a much more lasting impression on us. 


We often admire people for their good looks or talents, when a


person we admire notices us it makes our day brighter.  I have


always tried to smile at each and every person I come across


during the day, because in the past others smiles have made a


difference to me.


     Peoples can change so much and as we all change so do our


needs and attitudes.  I have realized that I did not love him. 


My ideals about love have changed over and over again.  In


another relationship, with all my heart I tried to make it work. 


We were two people who cared for each other.  One partner was


very alone and protected; the other, me, was always determined


and eager to melt inbetween the cracks.  This relationship ended


as a friendship.


     Today I never see him any more.  I realize I loved him.


Thoughts of the times we've shared can bring tears to my eyes.  I


worry about his well being.  Hope he stays out of trouble.  I


wonder how his life has turned out.  Songs and familiar phrases


flood my mind with various memories.  Still, with all of these


memories, I find myself now in a loving and lasting relationship. 


     I do not envy my single friends because to me it seems as if


they are always searching for that missing piece.  Whether it is


because they go through their nights alone or their days,


sometimes a friend is not the person you need to share your


thoughts with.  I find that being in a happy relationship gives


me a more positive attitude about life and myself.  I am willing


to admit I need other people and companionship is very important


to me.


     I found that person to love, and I see him in my future. 


Loving him does not mean I have to stop remembering my old loves,


or ever stop loving them.  To be in love people must share that


special part of themselves that they keep locked away in their


heart.  To love is to expose yourself to the one you trust and


part of that trust is coming to terms with all of the people and


emotions that has influenced the person you are.  Loving many


different types of people and allowing yourself you share your


inner wealth is part of what makes love such a wonderful and rare


thing.  Love is rare and found in many shades, but love never


dies.