Years gone by









       --In another life I see you as an angel


         flying high, and the hands of time will free


         you, you will cast your chains aside, and the


         dawn will come and kiss away every tear


         that's ever fallen from your eye... Behind


         those eyes I wonder..


                              -Concrete Blonde


My sister is so full of life, and young dreams, without the broken heart. Determined, and fierce, she is as cold as steel and stronger.
"I don't need anyone," I hear my sister Katherine say. She may not want to need anyone except possibly the people she can depend on. "Who are they?" she wonders aloud.
"No one. You can only rely on yourself." My voice tells her this. I think of her maturity, the wisdom is hidden behind her innocent eyes, eyes of a lamb turning into stone.
"I've known you my whole life," Katherine laughs, "That's why I know you better than you know me."
"I think you know me better than you know yourself," I answer knowingly and smile.
"...The line is so fine between hoping and hurting"
This quote reminds me of my sister. I had always wanted a little sister. When I was five years old, Katherine's birth granted me my wish. Every time I was mean or cruel to my sister my mother reminded me, "You asked for her". I guess in many ways I've taken her presence for granted. At times I've pushed her away. In doing this I feel now that it gave her strength. When she tagged along or wanted to play with my friends, I never allowed it. It seems strange, but now I enjoy taking Katherine and her friends to new places.
When I began high school my parent's business suddenly excelled. It then became my responsibility to look after Katherine as well as the house. Sometimes my parents traveled for only a week. Other times, it was longer. My sister and I were forced to get along with each other.
Only a year or two earlier, my parents couldn't leave us alone for more that a few hours without us starting an enormous fight. My sister would try to hit me and she was strong. I never hit back, even when I was angry. I didn't want to hurt her. Later, we would laugh about it. More often than not, we made up before my parents got home, and they never knew.
When we were forced to take on responsibility together our fighting grew sparse. Although those were stressful times we got along. Two years ago, when Katherine was in eighth grade, I left home to go to college.

Recently, I've been arguing with my parents:
"But, Daddy, you know she's gonna need to drive." I say looking behind him at my reflection in the glass.
"Well, she can thank you for losing that privilege. You were the one who had three accidents and caused our insurance to sky- rocket. Katherine can drive when she's eighteen. We can't afford it!" He finishes and turns away, getting back to his paperwork, as if this were final or something. The kitchen counter is covered with theatrical magazines and clippings.
"So how do you expect her to get around? Go shopping, Buy food, go to school, and be a part of after-school activities? You won't be here." He looks up not really surprised that I want to keep the argument going. He walks over to the refrigerator and pours a glass of Kool Aid.
"You found a way without our help -- didn't you?" He answers sarcastically, and puts the glass down on the counter.
"I had a car. I had friends with cars who were older than me. Besides, I had three jobs. All that time she took care of the house for me, she did the dishes and vacuuming. You know she is the one who has always looked after the animals. I had work and school. I couldn't do it alone, how can you expect her to?" defensive is my reply and I look away. I stare down the hall glancing at the many magic posters that cover the walls.
"She hasn't starved so far has she? She'll find a way to get by also. Don't worry Katherine is very resourceful." He smiles and sits back down with his notes determined to pick out the perfect stage costumes; With that, the argument is really over.
Over the years I've ruined a lot of things for my sister. I've set bad examples that will cause her to lose privileges, and set good examples that she will be forced to live up to. Because I received a 4.0 GPA she will have to study hard to do what came easy for me. When I was supposed to be studying I was out at all hours of the night' with my friends. Katherine will have more strict rules to follow, and my parents will think the worst of her friends because of the friends I had.
Life was easier when we were young. As little kids we shared the upstairs bedroom. Sometimes we would stay up talking all night. When sick we'd entertain and take care of each other. Even though I am the older sister Katherine has always looked after me. Thanksgiving two years ago, my parents were away on another business tour. I decided to visit Katherine during my holiday break. While I was home I came down with a fever, and my temperature rose to 105.6. I was delirious, and Katherine sat up with me all night to bring my fever down, we were both scared but she was strong and I became well.
When I lived at home she helped keep me out of trouble. Once my parents started leaving us alone she grew out of her "tattle- tale phase". She often helped clean up empty beer cans and garbage a day before our parents return. Looking back at all I put her through, and seeing she is now in the same position I was, I wonder if she will take advantage of the situation as I did. Follow in my footsteps. When everyone has gone and she has the house to herself, I wonder if she remembers all the parties I had, not needing to have her own. Did she learn from my lessons as well?
I taught Katherine to grow up too fast, she has seen things that she should just begin to wonder about now. Yet I gave her responsibility and prepared her in a way by providing a sense of right from wrong. Katherine knows she must do the things that are right for her. Over the years I've sacrificed myself for others to often. I've risked my grades, and my parents trust to help a friend in the middle of the night.
These values may not agree with my parents' values, but they set up a basis that allows Katherine to realize she must follow what is in her heart. Katherine is mature enough to evaluate any situation and make the right decision. She is aware of the consequences, and will not be naive as I once was. Katherine has found a direction in which she can focus her life. This is something I've never had. She knows what she wants. Knows the person she will become. I'm still searching for that person.
I have always needed companionship. Whether it was my sister or my friends. I now live with my boyfriend, and we take care of each other. I trust him with all of my hopes and dreams, even my deepest fears. I am afraid of being alone, I do not trust myself and my own decisions. I always second guess my actions and security. Maybe that is why I needed to give Katherine the strength I myself lacked.
I can feel Katherine's silky hair beneath my fingers as I braid her long strands of blonde. Such a beautiful child. Does she have the fears I have, does she feel the same pain. Have I protected her as I set out to do. My walls were not as strong as hers. Did my shield guard her, I wonder. I put down the brush and turn out the bedroom light. "It is late," I tell her.
"Don't leave yet," she answers groggily knowing I will soon be gone. She will miss my company. Tomorrow will be another day and life is not a vacation I think to myself. I know she is lonely, is loneliness worth the strength it provides? Does she feel empty inside?
"Don't be jealous, of my boyfriend" I smile warmly "I can love you both. You are my sister, I will never stop loving you." But still I drive into the night leaving her behind, to rejoin my new life. I can only turn the pages of hers from the distance. A ring of the telephone, or letter, and when we're both lucky I even get to see her smile.