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Memo, July 5 2003 TO: CSB People Often Ask Me... "Say, whoever you are, what's up with this Ratner thing? Why do you hate Brett Ratner so much?" Well, I don't hate Brett Ratner. I mean, if I did hate him at all it's probably out of jealousy. After all, he's being paid millions in my industry of choice, while I'm currently earning... well, nothing in my industry of choice. And I'm certainly not earning millions in another industry. You might suggest that I'm also jealous that he's dating/married to/had-relations-with the Noxzema girl, but to quote John C. Reilly: "Beauty is its own prison." To quote the drunk I bumped into earlier: "Hot chicks are so boring." To quote myself: "If I were to regret this life, I wouldn't spend much thought on not getting my chance to bang the Noxzema girl." To quote a few of you reading: "You are so gay." Where was I? Oh yeah, Brett Ratner. No, nothing really against him personally that I'd admit for fear that it would reveal my own insecurities. And honestly, I really have very little against him. I consider him pretty insignificant in my life. I really just don't give a shit about him or his work. I liked Rush Hour 2. I heard he's tight with Russell Simmons. I'm envious, sure, but other than that I have little to no animosity to admit to. Except one. One admission. One big big big big big one. I call this one admission.... RED DRAGON. And oh do I call it with all my blood boiling and my head pounding. Woo. I guess I'm going to do this. All right, here goes. RED DRAGON, the Film by Brett Ratner, SUCKS ASS. And it breaks my heart because it was one of my favorite books as a kid. It should have made for visceral, balls-out film. It honestly could have ended up as good as Silence of the Lambs. It could have been as intense as Seven. And before you all accuse me of having pedestrian taste in film, allow me to lay this on you... No shit. But any Hollywood film, by definition, is going to be kind of pedestrian. Who expects a film starring Tom Hanks to resemble A Zed and Two Noughts? We're talking big productions, big money, big wastes of time. When a piece of art or entertainment is that expensive, and that needful of a cost return, chances are the purity of individual voice and the magic of creative humanism has been board-meeting'ed out a long time ago. When it comes to anything on Hollywood's market, the only work you can appreciate are ones that display unusual amounts of skill; ("Say, that Catch Me If You Can was a well-done movie. I don't feel like I TOTALLY wasted my money.") Or vision; ("Gosh, I guess Peter Jackson really convinced New Line that he was going to make history for them. Cool.") and especially risk. Risk. Anyone can admire a film-maker trusting their instincts and taking risks. I mean, some risks are ill-advised, sure. Just ask Vincent Gallo and Chloe Sevigny, who just showed Affair of the Brown Bunny at Cannes. I'm sure nothing is more wrenching for a serious actress than to perform a hard-core sex scene in a serious film whixh is then called, in all seriousness, "the worst film in the history of Cannes." But risk is rarer in Hollywood, and we ain't going to see unsimulated fellatio in no summer blockbuster anytime soon. Likewise, as you can probably guess from the diminishing box office of The Hulk (descending as rapidly as Spiderman raked it in), ain't nobody going to trust a valuable property to a risky film-maker again anytime soon. And anyone who's seen HULK knows what I mean. Nevermind the fact that it is the most surreal film-making in a major release since Natural Born Killers. Nevermind that The English Patient had brisker pacing. Nevermind that parents are taking their kids to see a movie that, ultimately, is an even stronger character study of the adult versions of children damaged by their parents than Magnolia. Nevermind that the whole movie is just a big metaphor for just about everything. Never mind that the look of the film is positively psychedelic. Nevermind that individual shots are, literally, a moving collage. Nevermind that a main character is played by Nick Nolte, the man who made saliva an acting choice, and appears to be, in this film, playing himself. Nevermind that the climatic battle in the film makes no literal sense. Nevermind that Sam Elliot gives one of his all time best performances, and is awesome in a film where he doesn't play a cowboy (not literally, anyway). Nevermind that it's the FIRST FILM I've ever seen where a character passes out during an action sequence, enters a dream sequence, and then wakes up back in the middle of the action sequence. Nevermind that I uphold that it's the weirdest AND the most depressing movie the absolutely amazingly reserved and beautiful Jennifer Connelly has been in, and that includes Labyrinth, Requiem For A Dream, and Career Opportunities. Nevermind that my stoned friend applauded in the theater while the children in the audience cried. Nevermind that it seemed exactly like a Kubrickian comic book, right down to the Eyes Wide Shut acting. And nevermind that it cost over $100 million to produce, much less market. In fact, nevermind. But in answer to your question, I really liked Hulk. And yes, it is Hulk, not The Hulk. The title is HULK, exclamation point is up to you. And I was a fan. I thought it better than Spiderman, its CGI the least annoying in a major release yet this year (though still annoying), and the time better spent than at the preview of T3: Rise of the Suckass Sucky Suck, which I haven't seen yet, but appears to be the average American whizbang crap, which is too bad, considering it is the sequel to two action films that had art in the very composition of their grainy blue Super 35 shots. And I'm sorry, kiddos, but that blond girl Terminator looks like a model-turned-actress trying to look like a badass, not like a threat. Her bad-girl posing in those previews are making me appreciate the work of that Species girl in that Species movie, who, by the way, was not scary either, but she was still kind of cool. I mean, shit, I was scared of Arnold in part 1, and I was as "oh shit!" nervous of the T-1000 in part 2 as I was of the Aliens in Aliens, but I am watching the ads for part 3 and thinking "Me approaching that girl in a bar. THAT would be scary." Anyhoo. I dug Hulk. It's just that none of you will. And don't take your kids. And I must admit that the risks in Hulk are risks that probably just don't pay off. But I did like it a great deal, find myself unable to shake its memory, and hope they make the sequel, Hulk's Big Score! Then the second sequel, Hulk in Africa. And then, of course, the inevitable: Hulk and Robin. But risk is rewarded when it works, like in a little film called The Silence of the Lambs, which contains (to me) some of the most immaculate film-making ever produced, from acting to lighting to sound to just plain ole editing and composition. The movie improved the book. The film deserves all its praise. I'd change two shots, but that's me. It's one of my favorite films. And a mainstream movie that took a hell of a lot of chances that many suits in the movie business would have backed away from, maybe run away from screaming, turned out to be one of the best reveiwed and most rewarded thrillers in history, and certainly in recent history. And to quote Ratner on the commentary track for Red Dragon: "We erred on the side of caution." Yeah. I always love caution in a film about an imprisoned-but-otherwise successful cannibal toying with a seriously disturbed former FBI agent who is tracking a guy who has sex with women whom he kills. That's a story that's just begging to be turned into a cautious, audience-pleasing-movie movie. I admire restraint. But I loathe a balless movie that trivializes serial killers. I hate a flick that offers child-abuse as easy character motivation. I despise a film that shows quick flash cuts of violent acts, even if the protaganist is imagining them. And I can't fathom the amount of stress I am caused by a movie that can't improve upon Manhunter. No shit! If the movie had been a shot for shot remake of Manhunter, it would have been a better movie! Manhunter! MANHUNTER!! Oh, and all you people who think Manhunter is a great movie? I promise you, you're the one causing its greatness. You are reading into the banal and rationalizing it. And I love Brian Cox. I do. But, seriously, anybody who claims Cox's characterization as the definitive one to Hopkins is jumping on the bandwagon of dissent. Brian Cox is just a fucking great actor, case closed. But his performance doesn't touch the vividness of Silence of the Lambs. How can it? It's in MANHUNTER! MANHUNTER!! I mean, MANHUNTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT EVERY MOVIE TO CLIMAX TO INNA GODDA DAVIDA!!! EVERY SINGLE MOVIE THAT IS MADE EVER!! YES!!! I REALLY DO!! INCLUDING REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES AND THE WRATH OF KHAN!!! ARRRRRRGH!!!! Aw shit. This is going to have to be a two-parter. I probably shouldn't have digressed so much. Well, we'll talk about Red Dragon and Ratner more on Monday. Ugh. Painkillers. Please... Hey, my friend Tammy sent me an e-mail. With the subject line: Horny Milfs love young cock! Oh, that Tammy, what a kidder... what a minute... I don't have a friend named Tammy! Call Ratner, tell him Horny MILFs Love Norton's Cock, and don't forget to tell people how to get in touch with us. |