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Memo, Dec 1 2003 TO: CSB I just saw the trailer for the Thunderbirds movie, based on the marionette-centric British show, the reruns of which confused many of us as children on Saturday mornings and scared the shit out of many of us as college students on psychedelic drugs on Saturday nights. The movie is just a regular movie, though. No marionettes. Looks pretty stupid. But go find that trailer online and discover what I did... the movie will contain great Paxton. Allow me to explain the Bill Paxton meter, which we apply to any and all Paxton on film. There are three levels of Paxton: There is GOOD Paxton. This is when he builds a character, acts well and is used to strong effect, such as in A Simple Plan, his own directorial debut Frailty, and especially One False Move, which I would describe as EXTREMELY Good Paxton. Good Paxton is respected in many circles. Then there is GREAT Paxton. Great Paxton can be found in movies like Mighty Joe Young, where he tells Charlize Theron "They're not staring at you. They're staring [long pause] at that banana tree." Or in Boxing Helena, where he whines at Sherilynn Fenn about his blue-balls. Or in The Last Supper, where he makes a hilarious death face and... am I remembering right? Did he have a death-fart? Brilliant. GREAT Paxton can be categorized as Paxton horrendously undignified (TRUE LIES is GREAT Paxton), hilariously awkward (watch his attempts at seducing Shirley Maclaine in The Evening Star, or holding his own against Ice Cube AND Ice-T in Trespass), a well-meaning utter dip-shit ("Want some candy?" "I DO, you fucking Predator!"), or hopelessly out-of-place. In the preview for Thunderbirds, look at Paxton's face, his concern, his intense intense concern.... his intense intense INTENSE concern as he stares past the camera, presumably at a grip or the sound or continuity department... that's GREAT Paxton. Then there is one more category, one which we are blessed with far too infrequently.... and that is FUCKIN AWESOME PAXTON. If you experience FUCKIN AWESOME PAXTON, you will experience American star power that shakes the foundation of art and culture. FUCKIN AWESOME PAXTON is like tantric sex for your eyes (and your ears, if that shit-eating gap-toothed grin yields the cowboy-hat wavin, missile-ridin laugh). If you see enough FUCKIN AWESOME PAXTON, you go to heaven, no questions asked. You can find FUCKIN AWESOME PAXTON for about thirty-seconds of the original Terminator (when that switchblade pops out? Be ready for God's glory). FUCKIN AWESOME PAXTON is Chet's buzzcut, cigar, shotgun, and testicles in Weird Science. FUCKIN AWESOME PAXTON's tongue all over the nipples of a corpse in The Dark Backward. I hold out hope that Broken Lizard will yield FUCKIN AWESOME PAXTON in their second feature, Club Dread, in which Paxton will be the Brian Cox (i.e. lead visiting artist) with his portrayal of Coconut Pete. FUCKIN AWESOME PAXTON is Aliens. FUCKIN AWESOME PAXTON is Near Dark. FUCKIN AWESOME PAXTON is all of us. Paxton is the only actor in history to have been killed by an Alien, a Terminator, and a Predator. Paxton is the only actor in history that we've seen being killed by Arnold Schwarzeneggar twice in two different movies! With his bare hands! BOTH times! You will notice that the best performances given by Kurt Russell all contain liberal doses of Paxton, right? Seriously, Big Trouble In Little China? That's all Paxton. Tango and Cash? Paxton all the way. George Clooney has some Paxton to him as well. Billy Bob Thornton's latest epic, Bad Santa, has Paxton all over it (how would I describe Billy Bob in Bad Santa? Well, if Paxton and Nick Nolte had a baby...) Imagine Mel Gibson's Three-Stooges unhinged moments in Lethal Weapon with Paxton in his place... can you see the glory? Can you SEE IT?! And yet THOSE guys are the big stars, getting the 20 mil per movie. But we all know in our hearts that there is only one way to make Soldier a better movie. That's right... "What are you going to do, Soldier?" PAXTON: "I'm going to kill them all... buddy!" As for movies like Twister, Apollo 13, and U-571, that was Bill Pullman. Have some fun, kiddos. Apply this standard to all your favorite artists who don't disappoint. Discuss what to categorize as Good Scorsese: solid films that are miles ahead of other's takes on the material, like Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore, Cape Fear and The Age of Innocence, films that just don't quite kick your ass like GREAT Scorsese (passionate, intense films like Last Temptation or Mean Streets) and of course FUCKIN AWESOME SCORSESE (movies that blow your ass out through your retinas. Movies that live in your brain and you don't even care that they stay up all night playing loud music. Movies like... Kundun!). Perhaps you like the Coen Brothers, and see the difference between Good Coen Bros (The Man Who Wasn't There, Hudsucker Proxy) GREAT Coen Bros (Barton Fink, Fargo) and FUCKIN AWESOME COEN BROTHERS (Donnie, you're out of your element!). Go further, not just directors apply. For instance, what is Good Pacino (I'm the Devil! Hoo-wah!) vs. Great Pacino (I'm sellin' real estate! Hoo-wah!) vs. FUCKIN AWESOME PACINO (Attica! Attica!... Hoo-wah!). Follow my lead, get into a heated debate over Good Horror Flicks (Night of the Living Dead) vs. FUCKIN AWESOME HORROR FLICKS (Return of the Living Dead). Get into a knife-fight over Good Nude Scenes (All right! Katie Holmes!) vs. FUCKIN AWESOME NAKEDNESS (I could watch that dude wipe down that piano all day...). Walk into a crowded room, wearing nothing but a baseball cap and a neck-tie, and declare the rules by which we govern Good explosions (I don't think that was a miniature...) and FUCKIN AWESOME EXPLOSIONS (that guy's head in Scanners)... and so on. You don't need me, you're some smart creative people. If you weren't... would you even have read this far? I'm a football coach! Hoo-wah! Go rent Traveller, and don't forget to tell people how to get in touch with us with their own Good, Bad, and Fuckin Awesome. |