Memo, Oct 14 2003

TO: CSB
FROM: JDB
RE: How to tell if you are an ass.

Let's face it, making creative decisions is hard.

Let me rephrase that...

Creativity is easy. Creativity could be used to describe that certain light that burns within each and every one of us. That certain light that inspires us to invent, even if that invention is merely our lives.

Many of us fail to even invent our own lives. Many of us die in a ditch. You know how creative types are.

But many of us go on to success. Monetary success. In fact, some of us out there are being paid amounts of money that I can only describe as OBSCENE. And many people are earning these offensive figures by making creative decisions.

And baby, that's hard. When you make a creative decision, any creative decision, you open yourself up to criticism. While it's easy to have a notion of the direction an idea should take, when you voice it, that's when some jackass in the office can say, "No, that sucks," and kill your baby. And when you make it a decision, you open it up to the scrutiny of your audience. You risk offending the taste of your audience. And that is why so many people in Hollywood draw the bottom line at money; because there is no other way to honestly trace the success of their creative decisions. You can either listen to the peanut galleries or not, but how you decide success is a creative decision unto itself.

"Okay..." she says, fighting the deadline..."what if... what if we just replace Vin Diesel with... Ice Cube?"
"Great." he says, "Then its settled. I'll get Ice Cube's people on the phone."

"I think Hayden is..." the casting director struggles," I think Hayden may just be too young."
"Are you kidding?" says the director, "Look at him. He's beautiful! I pull rank on your opinion! Call the kid and tell him he's playing Anakin Starkiller or whatever the name is, you know which one I mean!"

"I really need more time to work on the script," the talented director laments.
"We have Connery now!" screams the exec. "Start shooting before we lose him! Just make the kid... Tom Sawyer or something."

For example, I believe with my heart, really deeply and truly, that if your favorite movie stars are, or ever were Matt Damon and Gwyneth Paltrow... you are an ass. I believe any movie starring either of them can be improved with the re-casting of Wes Bentley and Cate Blanchett. That's my creative decision based on my own tastes.

But there's all them millions out there to prove me wrong. A lot of people love self-conscious, spotlight-pose acting choices made by mysterious, good-looking people. A lot of people are intrigued by Matt Damon and Gwyneth Paltrow and consider them to be better than normal people.

Now I know those people are wrong. They know that they are right. Who knows what Matty and Gwyn think. They might be waiting every night by an open window, hands shaking as they smoke nervously, waiting for someone to discover the sham and come to take away their Oscars.

It all comes down to how strong your beliefs in your own creative decisions are. You either think I'm an ass for the Damon/Paltrow comment, or you don't. If you have a strong enough personality, you can get an entire creative team to not stop you from putting anatomically correct nipples on Batman's costume.

But we can all agree on one thing. We can agree that Hollywood fucks it up A LOT.

When Hollywood fucks it up, it's generally because they strayed too far from the source (The League of Gigantic Whooping Shit-Bombs) or don't invest the source with creative passion (The League of Ninety Minute Movie with Air Conditioning). Hollywood fucks it up so often, and with such monetary success to back up their fuckups, we the audiences who still like to take in a flick or two will ACTUALLY APPRECIATE it when a good director makes an inoffensive formula film. I liked Matchstick Men, and thought it was some of the best directing Ridley Scott has done recently, loved the performances... but then I remember... lovable con-man with nervous condition whose life is thrown into question by the unexpected arrival of his daughter... and then there are twists. Twisty-turns. At least she didn't turn out to be a drug-induced hallucination and nothing was real after all. Gotcha!

And keep in mind, I lump all the studios and all the movies into one big heaping lump, "Hollywood," because... well, because they're all asking for it.

But Hollywood has made some good decisions. They usually make them in reaction to bad decisions. They made Batman and Robin. But they didn't stop the bad decisions before the film came out. They said, "Let him do what he wants, we'll make bank."

Cut to televised footage of D'arcy from Smashing Pumpkins saying, after the premiere, "If you can't say anything nice..." while Courtney Love laughs with her.

So it didn't make as much money as they hoped... when they didn't rake it in, they said "Hey, what should we do?"

You can argue that every creative decision is risky. Hollywood doesn't seem to know the difference between a good risky decision and a bad one. To them, Christian Bale makes them as nervous as nipples on the batsuit. But... you go with your instincts. Or you listen to the fans.

I think it's a phenomenonally good decision that Christian Bale has been cast as Year One Batman. Many of you may disagree, and I respect that, but Christian Bale has been cast as Batman. It's a matter of taste how we will now accept the choice.

HOWEVER, though the Batman:Year One movie was being developed by Darren Aronosky, written with Frank Miller, it is now being directed by Christopher Nolan and is now not even being based on Batman: Year One.

Now I can't personally fly to Hollywood and slap around a Warner Bros. exec for his creative decisions any more than any of you can go back in time and slap around the Beatles because you were disappointed by Magical Mystery Tour... i.e. I really have no right, and can't afford it yet.

But I can say this, and say it over the internet... Christopher Nolan, if you are serious about setting the new Batman movie in England and making Rha A's Ghul the villain... you are an ass.

Take THAT.

Oh, let him continue his creative decisions, sure, but let him also know that he's an ASS. See if that takes the spring out of his step!

Okay, good decision... after all the interest that Lost in La Mancha created, they are in early planning to film The Man Who Killed Don Quixote.

....except they want Andrew Davis to direct it. Andrew Davis, the director of The Fugitive... and three Steven Seagal movies... and Chain Reaction... and Collateral Damage... oh yeah, and Louis Sachar's Holes, but let's be honest, Terry Gilliam has already declared his life-long passion of making this movie to be unquenched and ready for the greenlight. And he wrote the script.

Andy Davis, if you try to make Gilliam's movie... you are an ASS.

Let me not mince words... if your name is Johnny Depp, and you are using your new-found box office clout to get The Rum Diary financed, only to follow it with Pirates of the Caribbean 2, and then if Pirates of the Caribbean 2 is as big a success as the original and you DO NOT use that even stronger clout to help buy The Man Who Killed Don Quixote back from the insurance agents and get the movie made with Terry Gilliam.... then you are an ass. And I will write you off. You're one of the best actors in the movies, but I will do it. If you end up in Andrew Davis's The Man Who Killed Don Quixote, I will never see another one of your movies ever again... you ASS.

Oo, you don't like hearing Johnny Depp criticized? Sorry... you ass.

If you think Steven Spielberg is a great director... you're an ass.

If you like Denis Leary's standup better than his acting... you are an ass.

If you have seen the movie I Know What You Did Last Summer more than once... you are an ass.

If you honestly believe Alien: Resurrection is a better movie than Alien3... you are an ass.
I will put it this way; Alien3 is an unsuccessful film. Alien: Resurrection is a shitty movie.

If you have ever said "Eyes Wide Shut" sucks... you are an ass. I think it's totally fair to dislike the movie. To not be able to sit through it. To find it boring. To not be interested in the subject matter. To lament the pause-heavy acting. But if you watch that movie and completely dismiss it, if the photography alone doesn't interest you, if you can't dig Todd Fields or the Russian guy, if you can't connect to a single scene... you are an ass.

If you approach a person who is complaining about a summer movie being no good and tell them "It's not supposed to be a good movie, it's just supposed to be fun..." then you are an ass.

If you vocally bash Keanu Reeves on a regular basis... then you are an ass. Seriously, what could you possibly have against Keanu? Wish him well, he's come a long way, and overcome a few strikes against him as well. Like his difficulty speaking.

If you think Keanu Reeves as Constantine in the Hellblazer movie is good casting... then you are an ass.

If you honestly believe a good horror movie can't be made out of a Stephen King novel... then you are an ass.

If you honestly believe a good horror movie HAS been made out of a Stephen King novel... then you are an ass. The Dead Zone is not a horror movie.

If you think Carrie is a good movie... then you are an ass.

If you think Brian De Palma is a great director... then you're a kind of ass.

If you have vocally claimed that Gigli is the worst movie of this year or any other... you are such an ass.

If you claimed Adaptation sucked... you are an ass and I feel sorry for you.

If you think Once Upon A Time In America is a masterpiece, sorry, you're an ass.

If you are the person who wrote the review for School of Rock that contains the following:

"Wednesday night in Hollywood I got to go to the Giantdome Theater on Sunset and see the new movie, JACK BLACK: ROCK SCHOOL. It is a sequel to HIGH FIDELITY, where he's that Screaming Fat Guy. In real life, Jack Black is that guy in the White Stripes, so the irony is like an elephant cock it's so big... Before I get into the story and plot shit, let me say that this movie is ten times better than FIDELITY, because no one is talking to the screen like a crazy homeless guy.... Also, there isn't any gay bullshit like people whining about being in love or out of love. 'Whaaaa! No one loves me boo-hoo?' (Audience: Who gives a shit already somebody start yelling or shooting vampires or get on a jet ski that has guns on it and kill beach vampires)"

.... then you are awesome.

If you think Lucy Liu is sexy... whatever, dude.

If you really think Chicago was the best picture of last year and that Catherine Zeta-Jones deserved that Academy Award... you are an ass. Although she probably does deserve that award. I personally feel it's the jewel in the crown of mediocrity and a little demon lives in every one of those gold statues. So even when an impressive performer gets one (like Chris Cooper and Adrien Brody this year) I hope they enjoy the pay raise and take the thing home and flush it. Take a lesson from George C. and send the thing back to hell!

... George C. Scott? Won for Patton, didn't accept the award? ... You are such an ass.

If you do get any kind of award and thank God... you are an utter ass. Let me see if I got this straight: God is silent on the holocaust, but he involves himself in the Grammys?

If you are considering writing me an e-mail telling me that I stole the line from Christopher Durang... you're an ass waiting to happen.

If you think the tenth season of the Simpsons is better than the second season of Futurama... ass ahoy!

If you think the Simpsons peaked in the third season, I see an ass off the starboard bow!

If you are one of the young American kids who keeps telling me that Gosford Park wasn't any good, well neither are you, you dense ass.

If you love any of the following films; Boondock Saints, Way of the Gun, or The Usual Suspects, then I hope you also love the fact that you're an ass.

If you think Marlon Brando was better then than he is now... what a huge ass you are.

If you deny the absolute brilliance of director Mitchell Leisen, never equaled in his genius... then owha tawa siam- you are!

If you think the studio was wrong to cut The Magnificent Ambersons... golly, what an ass!

If you think movie stars like Alec Baldwin and Nicholas Cage should continue to shave their backs for shirtless scenes, rather than coat their back-hair with thick black mascara and fluff it up... then I've got news, you're a weak, hairless ass.

If you DO NOT think that every movie is improved by the presence of Meryl Streep, playing a German woman in drag as a handicapped man with a lisp and mental deficiencies... call Guiness! I've got a contender for world's biggest ass!

If you watch Gone With The Wind and don't think of swimming otters... gadzooks what an ass you are!

If you love early expressionistic art, then you're an utter ass.

If you thought FDR was all that great, then shut your ass-face, ass!

If you don't get up every morning and bow before a DVD copy of Mike Nesmith's Elephant Parts and chat "Holy holy holy," before walking backwards out of the room, then I just lost all respect for you, you ass!

If you think the world is a good place and people are generally decent, I say "A good place to store asses, you ass!"

If you don't like ass, then ass it up you fucking ass!

Ass ass, ass ass ass!

Let's change the name to ASS productions! ASS Film-works! We'll get so much ink! ASS IT UP PRODUCTIONS! I AM BECOME ASS PRODUCTIONS! 40 ASSES AND A MULE PRODUCTIONS!

It worked for Will Smith! His career was been made on the words "damn" and "ass!"

"Hi, I'm Will Smith. I'm a big-ass movie star (looks around himself, incredulous) I mean... damn."

Do you think he talks this way in restaurants? "This is one cheesy-ass omelet. I mean... damn."

Or at press conferences? "This is one suspenseful-ass movie. I mean... damn."

I mean sure, since then he played ALI, but before that it was all hyphen-ass this and hyphen-ass that! I mean, look at that ass-ass!

ALL THE ASSES WILL GO ASS-SHIT OVER ASS-ASS PRODUCTIONS!

Okay, this is my point. If you feel that you are damned by the creative decisions of others, please, make some creative decisions of your own and open yourself up to scrutiny. You may find it oddly liberating. I always do.

And if none of you write us in reaction to this, I will assume that every single one of you agrees with every single one of the opinions I have stated here today, and you all think I am awesome.

Cheers!

And CSB, Don't forget to tell people how to get in touch with us, you ass.

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